God has humbled me more and more it seems these past few months. And I know now that it is indeed a good thing. I have struggled with disappointments, and have asked God why is it that He seems to strip from me even the smallest and simplest of comforts. I have cried out for change, and yet it seemed as if things were only getting harder and harder.
Last night I heard a message that forever changed me. It was not an easy message to hear, and yet it was exactly what was needed to cause a paradigm shift in my way of thinking. At first, as I was listening, I admittedly was thinking, This isn't what I need! I have endured a hard season and I need to be rained upon with strong promises of refreshing, blessings, favor, prosperity, and overabundance. I decided I would listen anyway. After all, my way seemed to be getting me nowhere.
Prophetess Victoria started talking about pride. Again, I think, This message is not for me. Pride has never been a struggle for me. (If angels laugh, I am sure they did at this point). She emphasized that the only way up is down, down, down. Humility is the key. I contemplate, I have never been boastful. I am not arrogant. And besides, I feel pretty low where I am right now. I could describe to you in detail the floppy ears of every dust bunny on the floor.
She started talking about judgments that we all make. Judgments. Not in the limited, stereotypical sense. But jugdgments we make every day. She said whenever we think, "this is what another person thought or meant" or "this was the intent of the person's heart when they said this to me" we have judged! I don't know if I have ever been so convicted in my life. I do that all the time! I always just thought this is how I was created because I have an intuitive nature. The truth is when we judge another person's motives we are seeking to control, or to be like gods. Oh my goodness. Forgive me, Lord.
She continued, How have you judged God? She talked about the verse in Job 42:5, "I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear: but now my eye sees You." Job heard of God's power and might. But when he beheld the holiness of God, he was driven to repentance. Job 42:6 says, "Therefore I abhor myself and repent in dust and ashes." The darkness of our unholiness is sharply contrasted with the light of God's holiness.
Throughout my life, whenever I heard messages of repentance, I always felt grave condemenation and felt deeply accused by the enemy. This time was very different. I felt conviction without condemnation. I felt the holiness of God hover over me like a cloud of glory cleansing the filth of my heart and spirit.
She said if there are disappointments that you are still holding on to, you are judging God. When Job was afflicted, he was basically saying, "God, I know you can do this. You have done this for other people, but you haven't done this for me! Why haven't you?" The disappointments that we have not fully given to God become the accusatory voice of the enemy towards God. When we elevate our disappointments above God, a hardness of heart forms, and because we have judged God Himself, causing our prayers are blocked. Isaiah 59:1-2 says, 1 "Behold, the LORD's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither His ear heavy, that if cannot hear: 2 "But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have his His face from you, that He will not hear."
She continued...We must call upon Jesus to rescue us from our fallen state so He can forgive us, redeem us, sanctify us, and restore us....When we do not admit that we had a disapointment and act like we have it all together or that something does not bother us when it really does, we sew a "fig leaf" of separation between us and God. Wow. Convicted once more. There are times I thought that I had to act like I had it all together, never mentioning my struggles or disappointments. While it is true that we should not dwell on our disappointments, we must be honest with God when we have had one so He can rescue us from bitterness. I thought, God, I was disappointed when I found my Daddy dead on the couch and I believed that you sent me in there to call on Jesus to resurrect Him from the dead, and I spoke words of life and faith over his dead body, and he was still dead. I was like Job when I thought, God you did this for other people, why have I not experienced this? Why did I not see the miracle that I have longed for, prayed for, and believed for? Only God can lift that burden of disappointment. Yes, God, I have judged you. Forgive me, for I am unclean.
Deuteronomy 10:12-16 says,
12 And now, Israel, what doth the Lord thy God require of thee, but to fear the Lord thy God, to walk in all His ways, and to love Him, and to serve the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul,
13 To keep the commandments of the Lord, and his statutes, which I command thee this day for thy good?
14 Behold, the heaven and the heaven of heavens is the Lord's thy God, the earth also, with all that therein is.
15 Only the Lord had a delight in thy fathers to love them, and he chose their seed after them, even you above all people, as it is this day.
16 Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked.
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